Since my baby was born so early and was unable to eat, I had to pump the breastmilk for her. I started pumping about 3 hours after she was born. The nurse handed me the pump and told me to start as soon as possible for my best chance at a large milk production. I had no clue how to use the pump! It was so big and intimidating. I was so embarrassed to use it and I felt like a massive cow. The first time I pumped I got just a little colostrum. The nurse showed me how to suck it up in a little syringe so that I wouldn't waste any. She instructed me that "every drop is important."
As my baby lay in her incubator hooked up to IVs and monitors pumping became my main concern. I couldn't take care of my daughter and I had never felt so helpless. Pumping and providing nutrition for her was the only that I could do to help her and I was going to do it full force. I pumped every two hours, even setting alarms at night so I wouldn't miss a pump. Pumping kept me grounded. Because I was feeding my baby, I had to feed myself. Pumping forced me to take care of myself during a time that I was falling apart.
My daughter first started eating when she was about a week old. She at through a tube in her nose that went into her belly. The tube connected to a little syringe that was filled with my breastmilk. She used to get 1 cc of breastmilk every 2 hours. The breastmilk coated her stomach and digestive tract with immunity and prepared her body to learn how to eat.
A few times a day I was allowed to hold my baby. I would hold her skin to skin and as I did this she began to wiggle her head down towards my breast, looking for food. Over a few weeks time she got strong enough to lick and would lick my skin during kangaroo care.
As she got stronger she got ready to try to eat. She had a lot of trouble latching on and after many attempts the lactation consultant asked me to try a nipple shield. The first time I used it was the first time she actually breastfed. It was amazing. She latched on and became so relaxed in my arms as she filled her belly. It was a moment I will never forget.
Because of her prematurity, my daughter was diagnosed with chronic lung disease. She was on high flow oxygen in the NICU and came home on low flow oxygen. This means she had to learn to breastfeed with a nasal cannula in her nose. This was described to me by one of the nurses as trying to breath through your nose, drink through a straw and swallow all at the same time.
As she got better at breastfeeding, she was able to eat on demand and I was summoned to the NICU at all hours to feed her. Some nights I slept on a little cot by her crib so I could feed her at night. The times I wasn't there the staff would bottle feed her. To my surprise I was so upset about this! My son was bottle fed so I have no problem with bottle feeding, but after all the work I had done pumping and teaching my daughter to breastfed now she was going to get a bottle?
Two weeks before her actual due date, my daughter came home from the hospital.She was discharged only breastfeeding, something that only happens with 30% of premature babies. I was so proud of her and all the work she did!
Breastfeeding became our way of making up for lost time. This was my time with my baby, a time that no one else could provide but me. It gave us a chance to bond in ways we couldn't in a hospital setting.
It was so exciting at each doctor appointment to see that she was gaining weight and thriving on the milk that I provided! She gained weight at each appointment without a problem until recently. This past appointment it was noted that she only gained 2 ounces in a month's time. She also started having trouble swallowing and choking while she is eating.
The doctor recommend that I give her thickened liquids to help her swallow and to add calories so she would gain weight. This was hard to hear. It meant pumping and then bottle feeding- double the work. I was unsure if I should even bother. My goal was to breastfeed until she is 12 months corrected (15 months old). But is it worth doing it if I have to only pump?
Looking back at all we have been through and the major accomplishment that it is for her to even be able to breastfeed I decided not to give up. I am currently pumping every two hours and then feeding her on the in between hour. I am lucky I have time to write this post as most of my time is spent with my old friend- Mr. Pumpy!
A swallow study will be scheduled in the near future to see why my baby is choking so much. Depending on the results I will make a decision to how long I will breastfeed for. For now, my goal has been shortened to getting her through the winter. As a preemie, she has almost no immune system and she needs the breastmilk to help her stay healthy during flu season. If we can get through the winter (10 weeks away!) I will then reevaluate and see where I want to go from there.
Overall I feel blessed that I have been able to breastfeed and to provide my baby with the best diet possible. Breastmilk has helped her grow and has given her the immunity to stay healthy and stay out of the hospital. Whatever I need to do for my baby I will do, after all that is what mommies are for.
I know I texed you but i had to tell you this is a fantastic post. It made me tear up. I am so glad you are blogging about your experience, since you will always have this to look back on.
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